schedule
May 25, 2007 at 12:00 AM
Well Mary-Sue is the fictonial code for inserting yourself as the main character in the story, i really don't think Delancy ever was a Mary-Sue she really does not fit that. As for the comments on 'unbeliveable' this is a FICTIONal story [fiction = fake, not real, imagined] characters and events can be as unbeliveable as the plot line of the story allows
schedule
May 25, 2007 at 12:00 AM
Mary Sueish?? OI, only if the ish part is really really tiny. First off, it wouldn't be be the same story if all those men hadn't flocked to her power. Second, two is more then a reasonable number of men at this point, that is the point of the story. Three, if that person doesn't see that Delancy does indeed have char. flaws, they are reading the story too fast. Four, Real Mary Sues are very scary creations and if she thinks that Delancy is one of them...I have a few fics that I would like to recommmend to her so they can see what a REAL mary sue looks like.
In otherwords NO, Delancy is about as close to a Mary Sue as Eygpt is the United States. Every charicter has to have something special about them or their wouldn't be a story. You did it tastefully and without overwhelminhg your audiance, your supporting charicters or you MC's. Good Job hun.
In otherwords NO, Delancy is about as close to a Mary Sue as Eygpt is the United States. Every charicter has to have something special about them or their wouldn't be a story. You did it tastefully and without overwhelminhg your audiance, your supporting charicters or you MC's. Good Job hun.
schedule
May 25, 2007 at 12:00 AM
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mary_Sue
That is a definition of what a Mary Sue is. I don't think the person who reviewed was saying that your character was without flaws. I think they were saying that the character has superficial flaws. Being chubby isn't a flaw, it's a physical characteristic.
That is a definition of what a Mary Sue is. I don't think the person who reviewed was saying that your character was without flaws. I think they were saying that the character has superficial flaws. Being chubby isn't a flaw, it's a physical characteristic.
schedule
May 24, 2007 at 12:00 AM
OMG OMG! that was such a totally awesome chapter what a killer cliffhanger! I have sooo much fun reading this story its now my most favourite fic i have read. When you finish writing this story i'm going to re-read it so its all together its going to make it so much better
schedule
May 24, 2007 at 12:00 AM
AS ALWAYS IT WAS AMAZING!!!!!!!!!! I wait for the next installment with bated breath. I don't really have the time for a longer review today, but I can feel it brewing in my veins.
Saraiyu
Saraiyu
schedule
May 24, 2007 at 12:00 AM
AlL RIGHT! What a chapter and a fantastic battle. This is wonderful, Having to fight their way to the court. Keep them comming! I love this.
schedule
May 24, 2007 at 12:00 AM
Welcome to another edition of.... The Long Ass Review!!!! I'll be your host, Lain Iwakura. I hope you enjoy what we have in store for you tonight! It'll be a do-sie, we're gonna cover chapters 18-22!! Enjoy!
Character:
Delancy:
This poor girl....or unpoor girl... depending on how dirty your mind is.... She got to put up with, over the length of the story, kidnapping, rape, attempt at rape, being eaten, being attack, finding out shes not completely human, and on top of it is harboring two goddesses in her head. So I say again, poor girl. I've felt that you've written her very well though. The character has shown her growth over the course of the story. At first she knew little to nothing and her inability to control herself, or those around her, proved her inexperience. In the most recent Chapter you have her actually controlling vampires. But not just normal vampires, starved vampires! Through blood no less. Wonderfully done. Compared to the girl that had no control when she was being forced down upon the bed, this is wonderful proof that she has grown. I just hope you have her growing further and fully seating herself into the role of Queen. Personally I can't wait!
Myron:
Ahhhh, dear Myron. How I love the flea-bag. XD Well written physically. Personally I had to pretty much get away from the computer and all its naughtiness when you described him and Enfer. Dear me, ::fans self:: is it hot in here? Just thinking about it... Also you play up his strong tendency to protect Delancy very well in the recent chapters. Having Myron as the one pinning her to the wall and table just felt so right. I'm starting to notice differences in his character as well. Granted it's not as strong as with Delancy, but Myron is showing a growing understanding of the concept of sharing. In the beginning he was all about, "No!" and "Mine!" So I'm glad to see he's finally left elementary school and knows how to share his toys! XD
Enfer:
The only thing that I will ever accept as being french... besides food. French food is good...... ::cough cough:: Anyways, I hope it was french he was speaking... I can't remember. The main point is that all I see is arrogant French people so it's refreshing to see one thats not. Plus it adds a wonderful element to the story to have him sway Delancy with words of another tongue. Beautiful. I don't feel that Enfer has grown quite as much as the other characters. You've played him u as this wonderfully sweet vampire. One that plays upon the idea of vampires as an old, highly cultured being. But I don't feel he's ever done more than that. If I remember correctly you added this arc after doing some of the story already. Perhaps before you go instilling him as King you should have the character change in some way. I understand he's an old man... but hey, even an old dog can learn new tricks! XD
Story:
This section of the story has had me running in circles. I find myself happy then sad then angry then happy.... All of it due to the fact that I don't have your updates on an I.V.! I need it like crack! This current arc is amazing. The unifying of the two main clans sounds absolutely wonderful, and full of hot sex. Which of course I can't wait for. It's a bittersweet yearning that I have for the smut chapter. Also, her talk with the goddesses was wonderfully done. I like how you shied away for ever saying that they looked or acted human. Good job on that one. Also the fight on the way to the court was incredible. I always love it when the shit hits the fan! So awesome! And I'm not trying to kiss you ass here, I thought is was well done. I loved the way you displayed the vampires as not bad vampires at all, they were simply hungry. It makes the characters real, because everyone has had those times where your so freaking hungry you scour through the fridge; born-on-dates- be damned. I also enjoyed the fact that the hungered vampires also held a sense to protect Delancy after that. Perhaps they should take the hungered vamps to court with them and upseat whoever sicked them on them in the first place. I know that's what I would do if it had been me. I can't wait to see where you take it.
Grammar and Story Mechanics:
“I believe you Mon Sucré…I believe you My Sweet…” I've noticed that Enfer says it a lot. Now what I'm contesting here is not, I repeat not, the other language. It's the repetition. After about three or so chapters of him doing this, the reader fully understands the meaning of, "Mon Sucré." So there's really no reason for him to take the extra step and continue to give the English of it. Other than that I can't really find anything. For future chapters I suggest you write it like the quote. But after a few chapters of this move the desired English translation to the bottom of the chapter. You can make a footnote in the chapter if you wish. You don't use other languages too often so I don't think your readers will mind a (1) or (2). :)
Overall and Rant:
I'm still in a state of awe that I have been denied my smut for so long. I've been waiting and waiting and yet they are always no where near it. Though the way you write makes it worth it. I'm finding I'm enjoying this long wait of mine. Because I slowly becoming far more interested in your characters and your story than the sex. Which is very hard to do with any fiction on this site. Also I'd like to let you know that your fiction is one of the reasons I started becoming a frequent user of the Originals section. Without your story I would still be lost among the piles of crappy ass anime fanfiction. Also, I read at the end of the most recent chapter that someone thought you should get published. I agree. This story has a few kinks in it, but for the overall content I believe its publisher worthy. Granted I have no experience whatsoever of even getting near a publisher, but I believe you should at least look into it. You never know, your hobby could make you a buck or two. XD
Looks like thats it. I really hope you enjoyed this episode! XD You had better update soon too! And again, feel free to email me if you have any questions or contests to what I wrote in this review. :)
Character:
Delancy:
This poor girl....or unpoor girl... depending on how dirty your mind is.... She got to put up with, over the length of the story, kidnapping, rape, attempt at rape, being eaten, being attack, finding out shes not completely human, and on top of it is harboring two goddesses in her head. So I say again, poor girl. I've felt that you've written her very well though. The character has shown her growth over the course of the story. At first she knew little to nothing and her inability to control herself, or those around her, proved her inexperience. In the most recent Chapter you have her actually controlling vampires. But not just normal vampires, starved vampires! Through blood no less. Wonderfully done. Compared to the girl that had no control when she was being forced down upon the bed, this is wonderful proof that she has grown. I just hope you have her growing further and fully seating herself into the role of Queen. Personally I can't wait!
Myron:
Ahhhh, dear Myron. How I love the flea-bag. XD Well written physically. Personally I had to pretty much get away from the computer and all its naughtiness when you described him and Enfer. Dear me, ::fans self:: is it hot in here? Just thinking about it... Also you play up his strong tendency to protect Delancy very well in the recent chapters. Having Myron as the one pinning her to the wall and table just felt so right. I'm starting to notice differences in his character as well. Granted it's not as strong as with Delancy, but Myron is showing a growing understanding of the concept of sharing. In the beginning he was all about, "No!" and "Mine!" So I'm glad to see he's finally left elementary school and knows how to share his toys! XD
Enfer:
The only thing that I will ever accept as being french... besides food. French food is good...... ::cough cough:: Anyways, I hope it was french he was speaking... I can't remember. The main point is that all I see is arrogant French people so it's refreshing to see one thats not. Plus it adds a wonderful element to the story to have him sway Delancy with words of another tongue. Beautiful. I don't feel that Enfer has grown quite as much as the other characters. You've played him u as this wonderfully sweet vampire. One that plays upon the idea of vampires as an old, highly cultured being. But I don't feel he's ever done more than that. If I remember correctly you added this arc after doing some of the story already. Perhaps before you go instilling him as King you should have the character change in some way. I understand he's an old man... but hey, even an old dog can learn new tricks! XD
Story:
This section of the story has had me running in circles. I find myself happy then sad then angry then happy.... All of it due to the fact that I don't have your updates on an I.V.! I need it like crack! This current arc is amazing. The unifying of the two main clans sounds absolutely wonderful, and full of hot sex. Which of course I can't wait for. It's a bittersweet yearning that I have for the smut chapter. Also, her talk with the goddesses was wonderfully done. I like how you shied away for ever saying that they looked or acted human. Good job on that one. Also the fight on the way to the court was incredible. I always love it when the shit hits the fan! So awesome! And I'm not trying to kiss you ass here, I thought is was well done. I loved the way you displayed the vampires as not bad vampires at all, they were simply hungry. It makes the characters real, because everyone has had those times where your so freaking hungry you scour through the fridge; born-on-dates- be damned. I also enjoyed the fact that the hungered vampires also held a sense to protect Delancy after that. Perhaps they should take the hungered vamps to court with them and upseat whoever sicked them on them in the first place. I know that's what I would do if it had been me. I can't wait to see where you take it.
Grammar and Story Mechanics:
“I believe you Mon Sucré…I believe you My Sweet…” I've noticed that Enfer says it a lot. Now what I'm contesting here is not, I repeat not, the other language. It's the repetition. After about three or so chapters of him doing this, the reader fully understands the meaning of, "Mon Sucré." So there's really no reason for him to take the extra step and continue to give the English of it. Other than that I can't really find anything. For future chapters I suggest you write it like the quote. But after a few chapters of this move the desired English translation to the bottom of the chapter. You can make a footnote in the chapter if you wish. You don't use other languages too often so I don't think your readers will mind a (1) or (2). :)
Overall and Rant:
I'm still in a state of awe that I have been denied my smut for so long. I've been waiting and waiting and yet they are always no where near it. Though the way you write makes it worth it. I'm finding I'm enjoying this long wait of mine. Because I slowly becoming far more interested in your characters and your story than the sex. Which is very hard to do with any fiction on this site. Also I'd like to let you know that your fiction is one of the reasons I started becoming a frequent user of the Originals section. Without your story I would still be lost among the piles of crappy ass anime fanfiction. Also, I read at the end of the most recent chapter that someone thought you should get published. I agree. This story has a few kinks in it, but for the overall content I believe its publisher worthy. Granted I have no experience whatsoever of even getting near a publisher, but I believe you should at least look into it. You never know, your hobby could make you a buck or two. XD
Looks like thats it. I really hope you enjoyed this episode! XD You had better update soon too! And again, feel free to email me if you have any questions or contests to what I wrote in this review. :)
schedule
May 24, 2007 at 12:00 AM
I hope you can get this story published on paperback. I have a few publishing houses addresses if you want to try, but I am sure you don't need any of my help! God, I am in love with this story!
schedule
May 24, 2007 at 12:00 AM
omg! i had so much fun readin this chapter! i loved the action and at the end....oh! the suspense! i would have never suspected eric! OoOoOo! please keep writin! keep goin!!! please oh please! i really loved the fighting and action part...maybe because im a guy....i dont know, oh well! i just finished takin all my exams so i have alot more time to read, so....keep writin! i think this is the most addictin fic ive ever read! i just cant walk away! lol, thank you for writin it in the first place! *kisses your feet* keep updatin, please!
schedule
May 24, 2007 at 12:00 AM
Aww, thanks hun I will continue to review as long as you write...and maybe after because I love it so much *cute smile*. I don't know what I will do when this whole thing ends. *Poutyface* I love them all so much. I certainly have a blast reading this (I refuse to talk about this past tense yet).
As for this chapter, the action was great, and I loved the way that the situation was handled by Delancy, (it is sooo something I would have done). I can't wait to hear what happens next...
*sits on edge of seat, watching screen*
As for this chapter, the action was great, and I loved the way that the situation was handled by Delancy, (it is sooo something I would have done). I can't wait to hear what happens next...
*sits on edge of seat, watching screen*