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April 4, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Good story so far. :3 Hope you post the next chapter soon. I'm curious to see where you'll take this.
Though honestly I think your sex scene was a little rushed. The way you typed made it seem like you didn't want to linger on that part of the chapter for very long. I think you should spend more time fleshing out some of the finer details; maybe Hans' and Andre's expressions, Andre's thoughts, and some detail on both of their physical appearances. I don't think anyone has a clue to what either of the men look like, except Hans that got a brief sentence describing no more than hair and eye color.
It is perfectly ok to spend some time describing a person's physical appearance, as long as you don't go into minute detail.
A single quick, short paragraph is usually more than enough. I myself generally only go over apparent age, height, sometimes skin color, and usually hair and eyes, sometimes facial and body structure, included as well. If it's important to the scenario, I also describe the clothing. Sometimes a sentence-long glimpse of the character's personality is nice too.
I hope this little critique helps you in the future. :3 I apologize if I upset you in any way; I tried not to sound rude.
Though honestly I think your sex scene was a little rushed. The way you typed made it seem like you didn't want to linger on that part of the chapter for very long. I think you should spend more time fleshing out some of the finer details; maybe Hans' and Andre's expressions, Andre's thoughts, and some detail on both of their physical appearances. I don't think anyone has a clue to what either of the men look like, except Hans that got a brief sentence describing no more than hair and eye color.
It is perfectly ok to spend some time describing a person's physical appearance, as long as you don't go into minute detail.
A single quick, short paragraph is usually more than enough. I myself generally only go over apparent age, height, sometimes skin color, and usually hair and eyes, sometimes facial and body structure, included as well. If it's important to the scenario, I also describe the clothing. Sometimes a sentence-long glimpse of the character's personality is nice too.
I hope this little critique helps you in the future. :3 I apologize if I upset you in any way; I tried not to sound rude.