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December 21, 2008 at 12:00 AM
So he told Sam he loved him! I haven't predicted it at all! Such a brave boy Cas is :). It is so messed up but I love it :) As a supporter of 'wider context', I am very pleased with the development :D, thx for updating
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December 21, 2008 at 12:00 AM
why did ramson want sam to hurt casey?!?!?!?! he is sooooooooooooooooooooooooo cruel, and i dislike him very much so. UPDATE SOON PLEASE!!!!!!! i want to see how this mess is cleaned up.
ASOTA
ASOTA
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December 16, 2008 at 12:00 AM
YAY! I'M PRECIOUS!!! and don't destroy casey please! the story's really good. i wonder if the briefcase is going to somehow make it back to casey's workplace??? hmm... that would be interesting! casey's father hearing what casey does...
ASOTA
ASOTA
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December 16, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Don't usually review here (adultfanfic), but then I abandon most of them, but yours is just too good to not review...
So is spanish su lengua primera?
I was interested to see someone say that you weren't native english, because I found your writing odd... like sometimes it gets choppy with sentence structure and stuff, which I associate with second language issues, but then I'd think "but dang, he *can't* be second language because some of this is just poetry!", and in fact your sentence constructs and all are quite complex. I bet your spanish(?) writing is amazing.
So I was getting pretty curious about that (but not so curious I was willing to stop reading the story to find out).
So in the interest of being helpful, not just happy, here's why this story rules in my book:
your characters are very interesting...all well drawn, all complex, all individual (not like each other).
the story is excellent. Not at all cliche.
you have good attention to detail, not too much not too little, but the details you choose really inject life into the story.
you do sexual tension like a god. I mean, phew... *wiping my forehead*. It was already high, but the locker room scene...
Dialogue is on/off. Sometimes more than perfect, it is masterful. Then every once in a while you have a character give a lecture to the reader, speaking in a way no real person would, which is all the more noticeable because the rest of your dialogue is SO well done.
The only other 'critique' might be that I was surprised that Sarah ended up falling for Casey, since you seemed to be setting her up to fall for Sam at first. I think maybe this is because you changed your mind as you wrote, so if you are like me, you'd go back to smooth that out during rewrites (if you were trying to fix it up for publication, I mean).
ps, _for me_ the eye (and other techie stuff) works...because they are all concievable in a near-future scifi way (yes, I am a scifi buff).
Anyway, hope this came across as more helpful than critical (am afraid it will sound arrogant, but I know I like my own stories commented on this way so that I can grow), because you are quite an excellent story teller.
Oh yeah, and wanted to say that I appreciate a good slash story that takes its time getting to the sex. Those are the ones that draw me in most forcefully, since by the time the characters click, I REALLY want them to. Don't apologize for that, its just a different audience. Can't create proper tension when they're fucking like rabbits from the start. :-)
So is spanish su lengua primera?
I was interested to see someone say that you weren't native english, because I found your writing odd... like sometimes it gets choppy with sentence structure and stuff, which I associate with second language issues, but then I'd think "but dang, he *can't* be second language because some of this is just poetry!", and in fact your sentence constructs and all are quite complex. I bet your spanish(?) writing is amazing.
So I was getting pretty curious about that (but not so curious I was willing to stop reading the story to find out).
So in the interest of being helpful, not just happy, here's why this story rules in my book:
your characters are very interesting...all well drawn, all complex, all individual (not like each other).
the story is excellent. Not at all cliche.
you have good attention to detail, not too much not too little, but the details you choose really inject life into the story.
you do sexual tension like a god. I mean, phew... *wiping my forehead*. It was already high, but the locker room scene...
Dialogue is on/off. Sometimes more than perfect, it is masterful. Then every once in a while you have a character give a lecture to the reader, speaking in a way no real person would, which is all the more noticeable because the rest of your dialogue is SO well done.
The only other 'critique' might be that I was surprised that Sarah ended up falling for Casey, since you seemed to be setting her up to fall for Sam at first. I think maybe this is because you changed your mind as you wrote, so if you are like me, you'd go back to smooth that out during rewrites (if you were trying to fix it up for publication, I mean).
ps, _for me_ the eye (and other techie stuff) works...because they are all concievable in a near-future scifi way (yes, I am a scifi buff).
Anyway, hope this came across as more helpful than critical (am afraid it will sound arrogant, but I know I like my own stories commented on this way so that I can grow), because you are quite an excellent story teller.
Oh yeah, and wanted to say that I appreciate a good slash story that takes its time getting to the sex. Those are the ones that draw me in most forcefully, since by the time the characters click, I REALLY want them to. Don't apologize for that, its just a different audience. Can't create proper tension when they're fucking like rabbits from the start. :-)
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December 15, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Whew... after chapters & chapters of tension, it finally breaks!! I'm so excited. Awesome chapter, awesome story. It's like a Christmas Day miracle finding a story around here that focuses on PLOT instead of just gratuitous sex. Don't get me wrong, I'm a big fan of teh smutz, but I like a story behind it!! Good job. :)
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December 15, 2008 at 12:00 AM
well....that really is some progress here :)their emotions are so raw and none of them admits anything, I just hope that Sam realizes what he feels before he destroys Casey, really good update!!! :)) one big emotional roller-coaster, thx :D
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November 25, 2008 at 12:00 AM
PLEASE UPDATE SOON!!! I LOVE THIS STORY!!! i want to see what happens when sam comes to casey's hometown!!!
ASOTA
ASOTA
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November 18, 2008 at 12:00 AM
Even from the prologue, you had me hooked. This is very well written. Awesome! I can't come up with anything better than that. Your description is marvelous.
~Aero-Chan
~Aero-Chan
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November 18, 2008 at 12:00 AM
lol...that's gonna be interesting :) cannot wait!!! we might even see some ehm....progess in their relationship?? ;D
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November 17, 2008 at 12:00 AM
thanks for the update :D
I wonder if Sam ever acknowledges his feelings, I have always had a soft spot for bad guys like him so I want him to be happy :) I just hope your story will have a happy ending :)
I wonder if Sam ever acknowledges his feelings, I have always had a soft spot for bad guys like him so I want him to be happy :) I just hope your story will have a happy ending :)