schedule
April 9, 2007 at 12:00 AM
I spent the last couple of hours reading through your fic, and I must say that I’m honestly surprised, in a good sense. I’ve read slash and incest before, but this is the first time I’ve ever seen a story handled so realistically. I was doubtful when I read the summary, mostly because of the name “Uri,” which I thought was weird and strange, but I clicked because of the enormous amount of reviews you’ve received, and, viola, I was very pleasantly proved wrong. While I’d love to review each chapter individually, I have a load of homework that needs to get done, so I’ll just summarize my thoughts.
Let’s start with the few things that I noticed that aren’t necessarily good. On one hand, you have a strong, broad vocabulary which makes the story interesting to read. It’s vivid, not dull and boring. However, whenever the characters speak, it’s awkwardly formal, almost like you were writing an essay. This startled me, and I had trouble getting back into the story when I read the dialogue. Most teenagers, especially those in the United States, don’t speak so properly as Uri and the rest of the cast. Usually, teens use contractions and slang, which in a way, defines who they are as people. Here’s an example of the formal way of speaking: “I cannot believe that you will not help me. This is going to be much more difficult now” as opposed to “I can’t believe that you won’t help. This is gonna be such a pain now.” I wish I could go surf through your story again and pick out an actual quote, but I have little time and much to write, so alas. Anyways, I hope you understand what I’m saying. There’s nothing wrong with the way the characters think or talk in the fic; it just sounds really uptight and military-esque you know?
There are also some grammatical and spelling errors in the fic, but hey, no one’s human, so I’ll overlook that. However, one of the spelling errors is rather big, and I figure I’ll alert you to it, though I’m sure someone must have mentioned it by now. The name “Shawn” doesn’t exist the way you spell it. As someone who comes from a huge generation of Irish forefathers, I’m pretty familiar with the name and the way it’s spelt. Unfortunately, despite how one pronounces it, it is not spelt “Shawn.” It’s spelt “Sean,” which is less pretty and kind of gross in comparison, but it’s the factual way to spell the name. Obviously, at this point in the story, it’d be really inconvenient to change the spelling because (1), you’ve already hit twenty-one chapters and (2), you and your readers (including me) are already accustomed to the name the way its spelt. Oh well. I just figured I’d give you a heads up ^^
Okay, now onto the fun stuff. One aspect I absolutely love about your story is how damn realistic it is. Pretty sure I’ve already said that, but I’ll say it again, because it’s so true. I love the fact that I’ve read twenty-one chapters about these two boys and they’ve still yet to even really kiss. That’s hot. I’m dead serious too. I hate stories where the characters throw themselves at each other, have steamy, violent sex, and then the end. The romantic in me loves slow fics where the relationship is carefully built upon, so that when the steamy sex finally does come around, there’s a long, complicated history between the two lovers that makes it worth while.
Second aspect I absolutely love about your story is how damn well you keep it in one point of view. When I write a story, I’m constantly switching back and forth between characters, delineating what one thinks and feels before swerving around to describe the other. I love writing in different POVs, especially since it’s so hard not to, but I really admire your patience and endurance to keep writing through Uri. Not to mention, it’s great not being able to know exactly how the other characters feel, but have to guess and speculate from their insinuations. Like Shawn for example. We, the readers, can only read him through Uri, so we can’t see what’s going through his lovely head – but we can keep guessing with Uri, which makes the chapters fun and engaging.
Moving on. The third aspect I absolutely love about your story is the cast itself, from Uri and Shawn all the way to Nancy and Dan. Uri is a fun character to read; he’s just a normal kid who tries not to stick out and just happens to have quite “abnormal” feelings for the opposite sex – and for his brother. He’s sarcastic when it’s appropriate, generally caring and understanding for his friends and family, and observant (at least, when it comes to everyone but Shawn). He’s a good main character; one that has reeled me in and keeps me clinging to this story like a koala to a tree. Bad analogy, I know ^^;. Shawn is very in-character for a normal teenage boy as well, which is really interesting. He’s got a laid-back, cool, kickass personality that’s not overboard or gaudy. Dan and Nate are great best-friends. They don’t pin labels to Uri, doubt him, or become disgusted with him when they discover he’s gay. I love them. I love them because they’re just like some of my guy friends. I also love them because they’re not gay. I’m sick and tired of stories where all the characters are gay, and the best-friends are deeply, madly in love with the main character. It’s an overused, unrealistic plot device, and Dan and Nate are original, realistic characters, so enough said. To the next character – Rane! While he rubbed me the wrong way at first, he’s grown on me. I’m glad he’s not romantically or physically attracted to Uri that way, and I especially like that he’s got ulterior motives for wanting to date Uri. It fleshes his character and personality out so that he’s not flat, you know? I’m particularly excited about Rane because he’s starting to prove to be a wedge between Shawn and Uri, or at least Shawn seems to think so. Jealousy is something I also love, and a jealous Shawn would be delicious xDD
Next topic on the list is Silver Creek. Yes, Silver Creek. Not much to say about Silver Creek except for a giant thank you for the almost-smut. Oh GOD I don’t think I’ve ever been so confused on how to react in my LIFE. One part of me wanted to burst out laughing – Uri thinking it was a puppy. That was funny. Really funny in a dirty kind of way. The other part of me wanted to just gasp and sigh because the scene was wicked hot. Ugh, I love Shawn. He’s such an awesomely awesome character. Anyways, Silver Creek is a big thing for me because I love the tension it caused between the two brothers. That was fun. Tension is good. Almost as good as jealousy and slow-developing relationships.
Finally, the last aspect of the story I love. It’s realistic, for the umpteenth time. (1) Uri’s reactions to realizing he loves his brother are purely genius. He’s disgusted with himself, so much that this mentality affects him physically and he pukes. (2) Uri’s desperation to find a girlfriend to block out his lustful thoughts about Shawn is also perfectly in character for a teenager. (3) The parents, OH GOD. They are probably THE most realistic aspect of the story. Nosy, concerned about their sons, eager to drag the kids to grandma’s, etc. I love Uri’s mum and dad. Good job depicting them. (4) The week schedule. I love how you write each day of the week, so that when the week finally is through, I feel like it really HAS been seven days. That’s skillful! (5) The subtle ways that Shawn’s trying to alert the oblivious Uri to his feelings. I love that he tries a more domesticated approach instead of just sticking his tongue down his brother’s throat. He’s taking his time and trying to build the relationship with Uri, which is great. (6) School bullies are great too. No school is without them. While I have to admit that making all the jocks bullies is kind of stereotypical and untrue, I still like the psychological effect their derogatory words have on Uri. I feel bad for the poor kid. Someone needs to get him a new locker door.
Ugh. It’s really late now, and I should start my homework. I’m sorry for writing so much crap; your eyes are probably killing you just reading this. Anyways, thank you for writing such an excellent story. If you ever need a beta or just have some questions about how confusing this review is, just email me at aubuyn@charter.net and I’ll be glad to answer. Please update your story whenever you have the time, because I just can’t wait to see what happens next.
~Lee Russell
Let’s start with the few things that I noticed that aren’t necessarily good. On one hand, you have a strong, broad vocabulary which makes the story interesting to read. It’s vivid, not dull and boring. However, whenever the characters speak, it’s awkwardly formal, almost like you were writing an essay. This startled me, and I had trouble getting back into the story when I read the dialogue. Most teenagers, especially those in the United States, don’t speak so properly as Uri and the rest of the cast. Usually, teens use contractions and slang, which in a way, defines who they are as people. Here’s an example of the formal way of speaking: “I cannot believe that you will not help me. This is going to be much more difficult now” as opposed to “I can’t believe that you won’t help. This is gonna be such a pain now.” I wish I could go surf through your story again and pick out an actual quote, but I have little time and much to write, so alas. Anyways, I hope you understand what I’m saying. There’s nothing wrong with the way the characters think or talk in the fic; it just sounds really uptight and military-esque you know?
There are also some grammatical and spelling errors in the fic, but hey, no one’s human, so I’ll overlook that. However, one of the spelling errors is rather big, and I figure I’ll alert you to it, though I’m sure someone must have mentioned it by now. The name “Shawn” doesn’t exist the way you spell it. As someone who comes from a huge generation of Irish forefathers, I’m pretty familiar with the name and the way it’s spelt. Unfortunately, despite how one pronounces it, it is not spelt “Shawn.” It’s spelt “Sean,” which is less pretty and kind of gross in comparison, but it’s the factual way to spell the name. Obviously, at this point in the story, it’d be really inconvenient to change the spelling because (1), you’ve already hit twenty-one chapters and (2), you and your readers (including me) are already accustomed to the name the way its spelt. Oh well. I just figured I’d give you a heads up ^^
Okay, now onto the fun stuff. One aspect I absolutely love about your story is how damn realistic it is. Pretty sure I’ve already said that, but I’ll say it again, because it’s so true. I love the fact that I’ve read twenty-one chapters about these two boys and they’ve still yet to even really kiss. That’s hot. I’m dead serious too. I hate stories where the characters throw themselves at each other, have steamy, violent sex, and then the end. The romantic in me loves slow fics where the relationship is carefully built upon, so that when the steamy sex finally does come around, there’s a long, complicated history between the two lovers that makes it worth while.
Second aspect I absolutely love about your story is how damn well you keep it in one point of view. When I write a story, I’m constantly switching back and forth between characters, delineating what one thinks and feels before swerving around to describe the other. I love writing in different POVs, especially since it’s so hard not to, but I really admire your patience and endurance to keep writing through Uri. Not to mention, it’s great not being able to know exactly how the other characters feel, but have to guess and speculate from their insinuations. Like Shawn for example. We, the readers, can only read him through Uri, so we can’t see what’s going through his lovely head – but we can keep guessing with Uri, which makes the chapters fun and engaging.
Moving on. The third aspect I absolutely love about your story is the cast itself, from Uri and Shawn all the way to Nancy and Dan. Uri is a fun character to read; he’s just a normal kid who tries not to stick out and just happens to have quite “abnormal” feelings for the opposite sex – and for his brother. He’s sarcastic when it’s appropriate, generally caring and understanding for his friends and family, and observant (at least, when it comes to everyone but Shawn). He’s a good main character; one that has reeled me in and keeps me clinging to this story like a koala to a tree. Bad analogy, I know ^^;. Shawn is very in-character for a normal teenage boy as well, which is really interesting. He’s got a laid-back, cool, kickass personality that’s not overboard or gaudy. Dan and Nate are great best-friends. They don’t pin labels to Uri, doubt him, or become disgusted with him when they discover he’s gay. I love them. I love them because they’re just like some of my guy friends. I also love them because they’re not gay. I’m sick and tired of stories where all the characters are gay, and the best-friends are deeply, madly in love with the main character. It’s an overused, unrealistic plot device, and Dan and Nate are original, realistic characters, so enough said. To the next character – Rane! While he rubbed me the wrong way at first, he’s grown on me. I’m glad he’s not romantically or physically attracted to Uri that way, and I especially like that he’s got ulterior motives for wanting to date Uri. It fleshes his character and personality out so that he’s not flat, you know? I’m particularly excited about Rane because he’s starting to prove to be a wedge between Shawn and Uri, or at least Shawn seems to think so. Jealousy is something I also love, and a jealous Shawn would be delicious xDD
Next topic on the list is Silver Creek. Yes, Silver Creek. Not much to say about Silver Creek except for a giant thank you for the almost-smut. Oh GOD I don’t think I’ve ever been so confused on how to react in my LIFE. One part of me wanted to burst out laughing – Uri thinking it was a puppy. That was funny. Really funny in a dirty kind of way. The other part of me wanted to just gasp and sigh because the scene was wicked hot. Ugh, I love Shawn. He’s such an awesomely awesome character. Anyways, Silver Creek is a big thing for me because I love the tension it caused between the two brothers. That was fun. Tension is good. Almost as good as jealousy and slow-developing relationships.
Finally, the last aspect of the story I love. It’s realistic, for the umpteenth time. (1) Uri’s reactions to realizing he loves his brother are purely genius. He’s disgusted with himself, so much that this mentality affects him physically and he pukes. (2) Uri’s desperation to find a girlfriend to block out his lustful thoughts about Shawn is also perfectly in character for a teenager. (3) The parents, OH GOD. They are probably THE most realistic aspect of the story. Nosy, concerned about their sons, eager to drag the kids to grandma’s, etc. I love Uri’s mum and dad. Good job depicting them. (4) The week schedule. I love how you write each day of the week, so that when the week finally is through, I feel like it really HAS been seven days. That’s skillful! (5) The subtle ways that Shawn’s trying to alert the oblivious Uri to his feelings. I love that he tries a more domesticated approach instead of just sticking his tongue down his brother’s throat. He’s taking his time and trying to build the relationship with Uri, which is great. (6) School bullies are great too. No school is without them. While I have to admit that making all the jocks bullies is kind of stereotypical and untrue, I still like the psychological effect their derogatory words have on Uri. I feel bad for the poor kid. Someone needs to get him a new locker door.
Ugh. It’s really late now, and I should start my homework. I’m sorry for writing so much crap; your eyes are probably killing you just reading this. Anyways, thank you for writing such an excellent story. If you ever need a beta or just have some questions about how confusing this review is, just email me at aubuyn@charter.net and I’ll be glad to answer. Please update your story whenever you have the time, because I just can’t wait to see what happens next.
~Lee Russell
schedule
April 9, 2007 at 12:00 AM
*Squeeing very loudly* ^_^
does Uri realize this portrait will probably be a'naturale? *smirk*
& i can't wait to see how the Rane-meeting-the-parents thing will go. lol. *imagining the glaring/smirking contest between Rane & Shawn*
*sigh* i wondered if we'd meet a fangirl in this fic when he came out. lol ^_~
keep the good stuff coming!
does Uri realize this portrait will probably be a'naturale? *smirk*
& i can't wait to see how the Rane-meeting-the-parents thing will go. lol. *imagining the glaring/smirking contest between Rane & Shawn*
*sigh* i wondered if we'd meet a fangirl in this fic when he came out. lol ^_~
keep the good stuff coming!
schedule
April 9, 2007 at 12:00 AM
Happy belated Easter to you too! I didn't get drenched with water, though I did run around for Easter eggs xDDD If you could only imagine, 18-year-old me and barely younger brothers running around and fighting over eggs (they had money in them so it's justified!), which I do have bruises from 'cause they're easily twice my size. So Easter was pretty cool - This was certainly a treat (I actually spent easter in Vegas, so we had the hunt in the hotel xD)to an already awesome weekend. That kiss completely took me by surprise - And I hate to admit it but it was hawwt xD Things would be so much easier if I hated Rane, cause I'm actually enthused about his little game and want to see where he's headed.
As for Shawn .. He's so adorable! And a little manipulative sucker too to boot - This modeling scene is going to kill me I'm sure.
Now to catch up on my reading x3
As for Shawn .. He's so adorable! And a little manipulative sucker too to boot - This modeling scene is going to kill me I'm sure.
Now to catch up on my reading x3
schedule
April 9, 2007 at 12:00 AM
Chapter 20 - Oh my. Sneaky, sneaky Shawn. Or maybe that's..stupid, stupid Uri. GOD! IT IS SO OBVIOUS! I guess Uri is just THAT clueless. But that makes him all the more cute. So, eh, I guess it evens out. Seriously, though, Uri is just so damn adorable. I don't know HOW Shawn can stop from molesting him in his sleep or something. Well, I guess it's that possible idea that Uri might hate him forever. Or so Shawn thinks. But I think Rane's got the right idea. Molest Uri every chance you get. And 21 is posted! But I have to read it later or tomorrow. Homework.
schedule
April 8, 2007 at 12:00 AM
This was an awesome update! I was suprised you updated so quickly this time. I loved the make out scene between Uri and Rane, but I'm still holding out hope for Shawn! Uri is definitely getting closer to Rane, Shawn better watch out. I hope Dan just gets over it already, Uri definitely needs his friend right now. Oh, that clem girl was just hilarious. At least Uri knows that not everyone is going to automatically hate him just because he's gay. There is no way that Kyle will give up that easily, Uri needs to be more careful of where he is while alone. You could totally tell when Uri put his head on Shawn's shoulder that he enjoyed it just a little too much and froze. Uri's going to be Shawn's model for art! That should be interesting. Whenever Uri mentions what Shawn should do to gain his love's attention, I just about die laughing. Shawn keeps cooking for him and Uri is just so oblivious. Anyway, this chapter was amazing and I can't wait for the next one. UPDATE SOON!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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April 8, 2007 at 12:00 AM
-blushes slightly- I am glad that you approved of the comment. I...um...don't give praises very often since...well...I never seem to have the nerve to voice my admiration to others. I am glad that I was among your reviewers' responses. -smiles- Never have I ever been acknowledged for my saying before, so I thank you.
Now on to the chapter. I found myself anxiously shifting on the edge of my seat when Uri kissed Rane. O_O That was far beyond what I thought would happen, but I liked it. It fit well with his personality as well as Ranes. Though, forgive me for saying so, but I am not much of a fan of Rane. He seems to be holding an ulterior motive. I just hope thta Uri doesn't get hurt. It's not nice when your used for pleasure...um..again, not that I would know about that ^_^ -coughs and flushes red- Um....as for Shawn -swoons- I really...really like Shawn. His imperturbable ease in the situation involving Uri is agonizingly sweet ^_^ I admire his nonchalant demeanor. If just makes him seem more desirable...um..sorry, I shouln't have said that. -blushes- again, forgive me for being so bold. but..I await another one of your enticing chapters.
Dayakara~
Now on to the chapter. I found myself anxiously shifting on the edge of my seat when Uri kissed Rane. O_O That was far beyond what I thought would happen, but I liked it. It fit well with his personality as well as Ranes. Though, forgive me for saying so, but I am not much of a fan of Rane. He seems to be holding an ulterior motive. I just hope thta Uri doesn't get hurt. It's not nice when your used for pleasure...um..again, not that I would know about that ^_^ -coughs and flushes red- Um....as for Shawn -swoons- I really...really like Shawn. His imperturbable ease in the situation involving Uri is agonizingly sweet ^_^ I admire his nonchalant demeanor. If just makes him seem more desirable...um..sorry, I shouln't have said that. -blushes- again, forgive me for being so bold. but..I await another one of your enticing chapters.
Dayakara~
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April 8, 2007 at 12:00 AM
Gosh that Kyle guy is weird, I wonder if he realy likes Uri or his just being annoying. Rane seems sweet.... But Shawn is still my favourite.
schedule
April 8, 2007 at 12:00 AM
Did I tell you Rane is MY boyfriend? lol
Seriously, my boyfriend had long red hair but now he had it cut, short and spikey. When he wears his sports jacket he does resemble Rane, at least how I picture him. Plus he's witty and manipulative. And bi... I have not yet accidentally called him Rane though. phew :-p
Now on with the review:
Even though Dan was angry I do think that dating Rane really isn't such a bad idea at all for Uri. I'm sure his friends will come around and accept he is gay. Dan is just very surprised and disappointed that Uri didn't trust him with his secret.
Even though Rane made the boyfriend thing sound like a joke to Shawn, it looks like Shawn caught on to the fact that Uri is gay and he threw himself in the running. He doesn't just want to protect his innocent brother, he also asks Uri for advice on how to... woo him. *dies laughing* Unexpected but I love it. It means he actually thinks, or hopes he has a chance with Uri. (and he does of course) Very interesting.
Hm, both compedators for Uri choose the cooking skill to impress him... This calls for a cooking match between Rane and Shawn. Whoever prepares the most delicious dish gets to take Uri home lol.
Anyway Rane managed to piss Shawn off and I'm sure it's not the last time. I would love to see some Rane/Uri action and more mild Shawn torture. Perhaps it's time for Rane to try something bolder then a peck kiss. Since Uri is grounded Rane can go over there and convince his mother he is helping Uri with homework or a project from school and then sneak into his and Shawn's room. Maybe Uri opens up to the idea of Rane teaching him a few things, and Shawn catches them french kissing (or worse) in the study. And then Shawn can can go insane with jealousy. Or hatred muhaha...
Whatever Rane 's plans are with Uri, part of me wants them to get it on for real, I just hope he doesn't try anyting Uri really doesn't want to do. I mean I love non-con and shit, but I really like Rane, and I don't want him to turn evil on Uri.
How about this scenario: Kyle kidnaps Uri and locks him up in his bondage dungeon, and Rane and Shawn have to work together to free him. Of course this end with both of them sharing Uri in a hot threesome. I may have read too many Yaoi mangas...:-p
Anyway my arm hurts. My doctor told me to stay away from my computer with my serious muscle infection, but I had to read and review this.
On a sidenote, you're not pathetic, you're great. I love this story, especially the conversations. So please, never stop writing, and update when you can ^^
Seriously, my boyfriend had long red hair but now he had it cut, short and spikey. When he wears his sports jacket he does resemble Rane, at least how I picture him. Plus he's witty and manipulative. And bi... I have not yet accidentally called him Rane though. phew :-p
Now on with the review:
Even though Dan was angry I do think that dating Rane really isn't such a bad idea at all for Uri. I'm sure his friends will come around and accept he is gay. Dan is just very surprised and disappointed that Uri didn't trust him with his secret.
Even though Rane made the boyfriend thing sound like a joke to Shawn, it looks like Shawn caught on to the fact that Uri is gay and he threw himself in the running. He doesn't just want to protect his innocent brother, he also asks Uri for advice on how to... woo him. *dies laughing* Unexpected but I love it. It means he actually thinks, or hopes he has a chance with Uri. (and he does of course) Very interesting.
Hm, both compedators for Uri choose the cooking skill to impress him... This calls for a cooking match between Rane and Shawn. Whoever prepares the most delicious dish gets to take Uri home lol.
Anyway Rane managed to piss Shawn off and I'm sure it's not the last time. I would love to see some Rane/Uri action and more mild Shawn torture. Perhaps it's time for Rane to try something bolder then a peck kiss. Since Uri is grounded Rane can go over there and convince his mother he is helping Uri with homework or a project from school and then sneak into his and Shawn's room. Maybe Uri opens up to the idea of Rane teaching him a few things, and Shawn catches them french kissing (or worse) in the study. And then Shawn can can go insane with jealousy. Or hatred muhaha...
Whatever Rane 's plans are with Uri, part of me wants them to get it on for real, I just hope he doesn't try anyting Uri really doesn't want to do. I mean I love non-con and shit, but I really like Rane, and I don't want him to turn evil on Uri.
How about this scenario: Kyle kidnaps Uri and locks him up in his bondage dungeon, and Rane and Shawn have to work together to free him. Of course this end with both of them sharing Uri in a hot threesome. I may have read too many Yaoi mangas...:-p
Anyway my arm hurts. My doctor told me to stay away from my computer with my serious muscle infection, but I had to read and review this.
On a sidenote, you're not pathetic, you're great. I love this story, especially the conversations. So please, never stop writing, and update when you can ^^
schedule
April 8, 2007 at 12:00 AM
maaaaannn... you evil author!!! me runny nose and you giving me a cliffie!!!! evil evil evil I teel you!!! but I loved the chappie, or what I could read with my teary eyes anyways... I want more! are you gonna update weekly now? *evil smirk* we'll chat more and put your fingers to practice fast typing muaha!!!
HUGS!!! Can I have Uri for the week? I'mt hinking of how Uri would be paired with Sid... muaha!
Love!
Laaerie
HUGS!!! Can I have Uri for the week? I'mt hinking of how Uri would be paired with Sid... muaha!
Love!
Laaerie
schedule
April 8, 2007 at 12:00 AM
Thank you! You know I was waiting for this, even today I kept checking if you had posted like you promised you would and I was very glad when you told me you had!
So amazing chapter, truly, I love this story more and more with each chapter you post.
Still I feel so torn between Rane and Shawn, because I love both characters. They are different and both; oih. The kiss scene, like I said; was very well written. And Shawn kissing Uri's nose: aww!
Shawn is a fox, making Uri breakfast, asking him to be his model, wooing him without Uri even realising it.
Kyle... Hm, I wonder if he took upon Rane's warning... hm...
Ah the drama and the possibilities; you know I love it.
And I am still laughing my ass off when ever I think about the comment you got about this story lacking a plot!? hehe, so amusing!
Love:
-C-
So amazing chapter, truly, I love this story more and more with each chapter you post.
Still I feel so torn between Rane and Shawn, because I love both characters. They are different and both; oih. The kiss scene, like I said; was very well written. And Shawn kissing Uri's nose: aww!
Shawn is a fox, making Uri breakfast, asking him to be his model, wooing him without Uri even realising it.
Kyle... Hm, I wonder if he took upon Rane's warning... hm...
Ah the drama and the possibilities; you know I love it.
And I am still laughing my ass off when ever I think about the comment you got about this story lacking a plot!? hehe, so amusing!
Love:
-C-