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March 1, 2007 at 12:00 AM
I absolutely adore this fic, can you please update soon n.n I can't wait to read the next chapter and find out how you are going to get those two boys together.
Just wondering, is the girl that Shawn keeps talking about actually code for Uri I'm guessing he went through what his little brother is going through when he was around the same age as Uri is now, I'm also guessing that he has previously mentioned being gay to the rest of his family, not Uri, before as they all went quiet when Uri mentioned shawn having a girlfriend, of course all of this is merely speculation and I'm probably no where near being close to the truth behind anything (sigh) anyhoo what I meant to say is that this is the best story that I have read in what seems like an eternity now, so thank you and I hope to be reading the next chapter soon n.n
Nikki
Just wondering, is the girl that Shawn keeps talking about actually code for Uri I'm guessing he went through what his little brother is going through when he was around the same age as Uri is now, I'm also guessing that he has previously mentioned being gay to the rest of his family, not Uri, before as they all went quiet when Uri mentioned shawn having a girlfriend, of course all of this is merely speculation and I'm probably no where near being close to the truth behind anything (sigh) anyhoo what I meant to say is that this is the best story that I have read in what seems like an eternity now, so thank you and I hope to be reading the next chapter soon n.n
Nikki
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March 1, 2007 at 12:00 AM
AHhhh!! I loved his dream! it sounded so sweat and yummy, too bad Uri had to get soo sick afterwards.
Anyway, I have found more stuff that i can suggest to you, to make your story sound a little better (since your story is already fantastic).
We talk for some time and then parents decide it’s time to go to sleep. - I think you accidentally forgot the word 'my' so it sounds like " We talk for some time and then my parents decide it's time to go to sleep." because without the word 'my' it doesn't make any sense.
it has like five words - try avoiding the word 'like' when you aren't comparing. it would sound better if you say this, for example: "It only has about five words"
He’s clinging to the toilet, his hair damp with sweat and threatening to fall into the toilet although he still has it in a messy ponytail. - maybe you can say "even though he still has it in a messy ponytail" instead of "although"
"Oh, look who’s talking?” - Uri should not be questioning his brother. He is actually commanding his brother (with the voice of sarcasm - YAY) so I would suggest "Oh, look who's talking. (no questionmark)"
also, just kind of an afterthough, you don't tend to use " ; " these alot. Here's one excellent example in your second chapter that you can use them in (and many others, but i don't think they were worth really pointing out. "I see Shawn had already got up; his bed is neatly made." but you don't have to use them if you don't want to of course, I just find them more useful for style and such.
"knowing parents won’t be there" you forgot the "my" again. also, i think there was a part where Shawn had asked if their parents were home..but it sounded more like "are the parents home yet?" if he is talking about something that belongs to him and Uri, he should say "our" like "Are our parents home yet?"
I am so excited to read the third chapter tomorrow! this is such an addictive story!
Anyway, I have found more stuff that i can suggest to you, to make your story sound a little better (since your story is already fantastic).
We talk for some time and then parents decide it’s time to go to sleep. - I think you accidentally forgot the word 'my' so it sounds like " We talk for some time and then my parents decide it's time to go to sleep." because without the word 'my' it doesn't make any sense.
it has like five words - try avoiding the word 'like' when you aren't comparing. it would sound better if you say this, for example: "It only has about five words"
He’s clinging to the toilet, his hair damp with sweat and threatening to fall into the toilet although he still has it in a messy ponytail. - maybe you can say "even though he still has it in a messy ponytail" instead of "although"
"Oh, look who’s talking?” - Uri should not be questioning his brother. He is actually commanding his brother (with the voice of sarcasm - YAY) so I would suggest "Oh, look who's talking. (no questionmark)"
also, just kind of an afterthough, you don't tend to use " ; " these alot. Here's one excellent example in your second chapter that you can use them in (and many others, but i don't think they were worth really pointing out. "I see Shawn had already got up; his bed is neatly made." but you don't have to use them if you don't want to of course, I just find them more useful for style and such.
"knowing parents won’t be there" you forgot the "my" again. also, i think there was a part where Shawn had asked if their parents were home..but it sounded more like "are the parents home yet?" if he is talking about something that belongs to him and Uri, he should say "our" like "Are our parents home yet?"
I am so excited to read the third chapter tomorrow! this is such an addictive story!
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February 28, 2007 at 12:00 AM
My late review... You know I read the chapter as soon as you published though. And well, heck after Trx's reviews one is left without much to say!!! hehehe.... You knw you got my support to torture them despite Trix's pleas (she's evil too anyway) so go ahead and have fun with your boys as you keep developing the story. The story is good and you know I'm a faithfulr reader :D
Laaerie
Laaerie
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February 27, 2007 at 12:00 AM
Noooooo!!!>>regaining my sanity<< I have re-read this story twice already, and I love it every time. When Uri said that Kyle needed to do something else to impress him, I was like now you done it, but what happened next really shocked the hell out of me.
Can't wait for Chapter 18.
Can't wait for Chapter 18.
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February 27, 2007 at 12:00 AM
I have re-read this story twice already, and I love it every time. When Uri said that Kyle needed to do something else to impress him, I was like now you done it, but what happened next really shocked me.
Can't wait for Chapter 18.
Can't wait for Chapter 18.
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February 27, 2007 at 12:00 AM
Sorry that I haven't been here for a long time, teeta. I've been going through some things lately. I'm glad to be back though. These last two chapters were awesome! I loved the little word games that Uri and Shawn were playing with each other. Talk about entertainment. And when Shawn dusted off Uri's back, I was cracking up. That entire situation was just begging Shawn to do what he did.
I'm wondering what's up with Kyle? Is he gay? I'm going to side with Uri here. Kissing Kyle=yuck. LOL He's really mean.
Rane's coming back soon? Yay! I love Rane; he seems like such a sweetheart.
I'm wondering what's up with Kyle? Is he gay? I'm going to side with Uri here. Kissing Kyle=yuck. LOL He's really mean.
Rane's coming back soon? Yay! I love Rane; he seems like such a sweetheart.
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February 27, 2007 at 12:00 AM
I liked your story very much, it was indeed very cute.
but there were a couple of things that bothered me.
1. I don't want to restore to that - should be - I don't want to resort to that
2. In like 10 minutes he came back into the room - should not have the word 'like' but instead, you should try 'in about 10 minutes'.
3. probably he wants to surf the net or something - should be - he probably wants to surf the net or something...
that's about it. I hope i have enough time to read your second chapter tomorrow.
but there were a couple of things that bothered me.
1. I don't want to restore to that - should be - I don't want to resort to that
2. In like 10 minutes he came back into the room - should not have the word 'like' but instead, you should try 'in about 10 minutes'.
3. probably he wants to surf the net or something - should be - he probably wants to surf the net or something...
that's about it. I hope i have enough time to read your second chapter tomorrow.
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February 27, 2007 at 12:00 AM
please update soon *begs on knees*
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February 26, 2007 at 12:00 AM
Chapter 17 - OH! WHAT THE FUCK! You can't TBC me! Nooo! Noooo! That was SO unexpected. It's been a while since a story's just...completely shocked me. Damn. Well, I sort of kne-...no, no I didn't. I lie, I lie. I thought that, if he was going to like ANYONE, it would be Raine. Kyle of course, not Uri. Anyways, damn. I can't wait for 18!
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February 25, 2007 at 12:00 AM
Of course it's wonderful! They're happy and I really like your writing style. =)