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October 7, 2006 at 12:00 AM
Hi (^_^)... just finished reading ur story.. loved the characters they seemed very real but one loophole: wht about lady sactaren? u never mentioned her once except at the beginning... maybe u could include her hatching sum plot 'coz if naeven said tht lark shd b careful around her.. i think she wud already know about Tam coming to the castle n visitng the shop..and about how close lark n sactaren are getting..or are you going to then include her more in book two?
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September 27, 2006 at 12:00 AM
wow. i just finished reading it. very good, but the loose ends... well, guess i'll just have to read the next story:) *celebrating the fact that ther's gonna be another story*
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September 20, 2006 at 12:00 AM
@20: I like this so much. You are still introducing characters, though and it seems like suddenly there's a lot of gay guys around, but other than that, its great.
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September 19, 2006 at 12:00 AM
Hello Katica,
I want to say I love your story and have been with you since the first chapter. If I had purchased this book I would be very disappointed if it ended there. As a series, I think you should have ended it after Lark finds out he is a mage. I like the fact that Naeven offers to train him and now the ball is in Lark's court. Leave the readers wondering how he is going to deal with this. It's ok to leave his relationship with Naeven unresolved in the first book, it gives readers something to look forward to. They have already come to an understanding of sorts by being willing to work together, leave the sexual, deeper relationship for later. The sexual tension is a good thing. I did like the Lark going balistic scene though. It makes the reader wonder if Lark could become a dark mage. I would work that into the first book also, the whole Lark becoming a dark mage theme could work as your preface for the second book. I think the average reader loves a dark, angsy story that works out in the end with goodness and love overcoming all. Poor slave boy with nothing becomes powerful mage and finds love and his own inner strength along the way, it's a wonderful idea!! Have you ever read Mercedes Lackey, with Vanyel? If she can do it so can you.
Looking forward to more of your writing.
Jaylen
I want to say I love your story and have been with you since the first chapter. If I had purchased this book I would be very disappointed if it ended there. As a series, I think you should have ended it after Lark finds out he is a mage. I like the fact that Naeven offers to train him and now the ball is in Lark's court. Leave the readers wondering how he is going to deal with this. It's ok to leave his relationship with Naeven unresolved in the first book, it gives readers something to look forward to. They have already come to an understanding of sorts by being willing to work together, leave the sexual, deeper relationship for later. The sexual tension is a good thing. I did like the Lark going balistic scene though. It makes the reader wonder if Lark could become a dark mage. I would work that into the first book also, the whole Lark becoming a dark mage theme could work as your preface for the second book. I think the average reader loves a dark, angsy story that works out in the end with goodness and love overcoming all. Poor slave boy with nothing becomes powerful mage and finds love and his own inner strength along the way, it's a wonderful idea!! Have you ever read Mercedes Lackey, with Vanyel? If she can do it so can you.
Looking forward to more of your writing.
Jaylen
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September 17, 2006 at 12:00 AM
Hmmmmm.... I've definitely been enjoying this story. I -think- I reviewed at least once before, earlier on. Naeven's Howl-ish personality is adorable, while the secondary characters are distinct from each other and interesting.
As far as this being the final chapter if it were a purchased book, I would be dissatisfied. It really boils down to what model you're using. Some narrative structures for multi-book stories just take one story and chop it up into two or more books. Others are self-contained stories that are linked together (whether by chronology, character, or some other manner). It seems that this book is following the first format that I described.
Even so, it really matters -where- the book-break occurs. It's a cultural thing, perhaps, but we're trained to expect a strong climax, followed by brief falling action, and there the book ends. The most exciting moment, the peak (IMHO) in these final chapters occurred back when Lark learned he was a mage as well (and perhaps the moment, too, at the end of 21). There was a physical as well as an emotional component to the climax, making it quite strong.
In the chapters that follow, there is the re-introduction of Khas... which, I feel, should be done in book two, not cluttering up the conclusion of this book as you have it here.
As far as emotional payoff goes, I got a bigger "yes! this is awesome!" feeling from the whole Lark-as-Mage issue, Naeven's past being revealed, and the whole Lark-as-sexual-aggressor ordeal. This last chapter, I see that there's an emotional conclusion of sorts.... with Lark finally telling Naeven the truth (which, if it were me (as the character), I would've vocalized long ago)... that he sometimes feels/hears his other masters when Naeven is with him. But this (perhaps because it feels overdue) is a much less satisfactory event. And so it really doesn't work for me as a conclusion for the book.
I would suggest taking this confession (and Lark's request for Naeven to teach him) and moving it closer to the Lark-as-aggressor event. Then shift the Khas returning and the Lark smuggling goods to Rayne subplots to the second novel. I -liked- reading about them, but they seem out-of-place in the ending of a book.
Alternatively... I might also suggest....
I realize that both Khas and Rayne are used to fuel interactions between Lark and Naeven and so it may be difficult to shift those subplots around. Khas's reintroduction leads to the bargain of a kiss for services rendered. Rayne, well, the last few chapters are a bit blurry in my mind and it's late and I'm knackered, but I seem to recall some post-Rayne issues being important.... Naeven, in Howl-fashion, slithers out and avoids conflict... most of the time, anyway. Lark is more inclined to press issues than his master, but doesn't much, for that very same reason -- the whole master/slave matter.
The Lark-as-Mage happens around chapter nineteen, or thereabouts.
Lark finding his darker sexual side happens in 21.
Twenty-two reads fine; the tension's good the story moves forward a bit... Lark trying to come to terms with his aggressive feelings and his horror at how he behaved, how Naeven led him into behaving.
But the majority of twenty-three is just.... -mundane-
It doesn't feel like the final chapter, it reads like it's something from the late-beginning or early-middle portion of a book.
The final chapter needs Lark deciding to learn how to be a mage, needs him admitting to Naeven the reason for his freak-outs (which, honestly, should've been done sooner...). While Lark probably wouldn't think of it as a common response.... I would think Naeven, as tuned-in to sexual energies as he is, could guess that Lark's freaking out because of flashbacks.
Although... Naeven, being very insecure about Lark might internalize Lark's cringes and rebuffs.... but still.... -Some- part of Naeven should have enough self-esteem to realize that Lark's past probably left him with a less-than-stellar sexual history.
By the time Lark gets to his "it's not you, it's them" speech... every person who's not an unbalanced mage is going 'Yeah, -duh-, you poor darling idiot.'
I think the time following Lark's admission would be a good place to develop and explore Naeven's psyche and bring -his- character to a point of change. The way you play it out, Naeven reacts to Lark's request for patience and time.... pretty much the same way he reacts to -everything- ... which is figuratively (if not literally) patting Lark on the head and sending them each to their respective bedrooms. There's a chance there, if you write it differently, for Naeven to explore his triple nature: where one side of him knows full-well (and has known for some time) about the flashes causing Lark to pull away, where another side wants and needs Lark desperately with an intensity that scares him, and where his darkest side tells himself that he doesn't deserve Lark.
Now, Naeven being Naeven (or Howl)..... would not normally hold such a discussion (nor -ever- lay it out so clearly, under any circumstances)... but when pinned to it, when put absolutely on the spot with something at stake.... -then- he would. And I think that's what's missing from this concluding chapter.
I'd like to see the earlier part of the chapter leading into Lark's decision to become a mage and to confront Naeven (along with getting the courage (and anger?) necessary for such a step). I'd like to see some aggressive/sexual action where Lark pins Naeven down. Maybe against a wall, because, honestly, that's a nice visual.... but the true pinning down needs to be emotional. "Do you like this? I don't. (Here's why: I'm afraid I'm turning into -them- and it just plain reminds me of when I was being attacked by them.)" Lark needs to make Naeven hear him and he needs to make Naeven respond (see two paragraphs back where I talk about Naeven's psyche).
With that, I think your conclusion would be far stronger and more likely to entice readers to purchase / continue on to the second book. The dangling carrot of magic lessons is good, the secondary-character carrots are good.... but for a satisfying conclusion, there needs to be more development of Lark and Naeven's boundaries, desires, and self-awareness.
As far as this being the final chapter if it were a purchased book, I would be dissatisfied. It really boils down to what model you're using. Some narrative structures for multi-book stories just take one story and chop it up into two or more books. Others are self-contained stories that are linked together (whether by chronology, character, or some other manner). It seems that this book is following the first format that I described.
Even so, it really matters -where- the book-break occurs. It's a cultural thing, perhaps, but we're trained to expect a strong climax, followed by brief falling action, and there the book ends. The most exciting moment, the peak (IMHO) in these final chapters occurred back when Lark learned he was a mage as well (and perhaps the moment, too, at the end of 21). There was a physical as well as an emotional component to the climax, making it quite strong.
In the chapters that follow, there is the re-introduction of Khas... which, I feel, should be done in book two, not cluttering up the conclusion of this book as you have it here.
As far as emotional payoff goes, I got a bigger "yes! this is awesome!" feeling from the whole Lark-as-Mage issue, Naeven's past being revealed, and the whole Lark-as-sexual-aggressor ordeal. This last chapter, I see that there's an emotional conclusion of sorts.... with Lark finally telling Naeven the truth (which, if it were me (as the character), I would've vocalized long ago)... that he sometimes feels/hears his other masters when Naeven is with him. But this (perhaps because it feels overdue) is a much less satisfactory event. And so it really doesn't work for me as a conclusion for the book.
I would suggest taking this confession (and Lark's request for Naeven to teach him) and moving it closer to the Lark-as-aggressor event. Then shift the Khas returning and the Lark smuggling goods to Rayne subplots to the second novel. I -liked- reading about them, but they seem out-of-place in the ending of a book.
Alternatively... I might also suggest....
I realize that both Khas and Rayne are used to fuel interactions between Lark and Naeven and so it may be difficult to shift those subplots around. Khas's reintroduction leads to the bargain of a kiss for services rendered. Rayne, well, the last few chapters are a bit blurry in my mind and it's late and I'm knackered, but I seem to recall some post-Rayne issues being important.... Naeven, in Howl-fashion, slithers out and avoids conflict... most of the time, anyway. Lark is more inclined to press issues than his master, but doesn't much, for that very same reason -- the whole master/slave matter.
The Lark-as-Mage happens around chapter nineteen, or thereabouts.
Lark finding his darker sexual side happens in 21.
Twenty-two reads fine; the tension's good the story moves forward a bit... Lark trying to come to terms with his aggressive feelings and his horror at how he behaved, how Naeven led him into behaving.
But the majority of twenty-three is just.... -mundane-
It doesn't feel like the final chapter, it reads like it's something from the late-beginning or early-middle portion of a book.
The final chapter needs Lark deciding to learn how to be a mage, needs him admitting to Naeven the reason for his freak-outs (which, honestly, should've been done sooner...). While Lark probably wouldn't think of it as a common response.... I would think Naeven, as tuned-in to sexual energies as he is, could guess that Lark's freaking out because of flashbacks.
Although... Naeven, being very insecure about Lark might internalize Lark's cringes and rebuffs.... but still.... -Some- part of Naeven should have enough self-esteem to realize that Lark's past probably left him with a less-than-stellar sexual history.
By the time Lark gets to his "it's not you, it's them" speech... every person who's not an unbalanced mage is going 'Yeah, -duh-, you poor darling idiot.'
I think the time following Lark's admission would be a good place to develop and explore Naeven's psyche and bring -his- character to a point of change. The way you play it out, Naeven reacts to Lark's request for patience and time.... pretty much the same way he reacts to -everything- ... which is figuratively (if not literally) patting Lark on the head and sending them each to their respective bedrooms. There's a chance there, if you write it differently, for Naeven to explore his triple nature: where one side of him knows full-well (and has known for some time) about the flashes causing Lark to pull away, where another side wants and needs Lark desperately with an intensity that scares him, and where his darkest side tells himself that he doesn't deserve Lark.
Now, Naeven being Naeven (or Howl)..... would not normally hold such a discussion (nor -ever- lay it out so clearly, under any circumstances)... but when pinned to it, when put absolutely on the spot with something at stake.... -then- he would. And I think that's what's missing from this concluding chapter.
I'd like to see the earlier part of the chapter leading into Lark's decision to become a mage and to confront Naeven (along with getting the courage (and anger?) necessary for such a step). I'd like to see some aggressive/sexual action where Lark pins Naeven down. Maybe against a wall, because, honestly, that's a nice visual.... but the true pinning down needs to be emotional. "Do you like this? I don't. (Here's why: I'm afraid I'm turning into -them- and it just plain reminds me of when I was being attacked by them.)" Lark needs to make Naeven hear him and he needs to make Naeven respond (see two paragraphs back where I talk about Naeven's psyche).
With that, I think your conclusion would be far stronger and more likely to entice readers to purchase / continue on to the second book. The dangling carrot of magic lessons is good, the secondary-character carrots are good.... but for a satisfying conclusion, there needs to be more development of Lark and Naeven's boundaries, desires, and self-awareness.
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September 17, 2006 at 12:00 AM
CHAPTER 23
Hi, Katica. I've been reading this wonderfull fiction for a while now and finally posting a review. Sorry about waiting. 'Once A Slave ...' is pretty outstanding as far as fiction goes and in my humble opinion really is a publishing material. It does need to be polished up a bit and I am sure they will edit this too. I hope you will get it published for real, I will be the first to buy it. I love all the characters and the development and overall pace. Some things had maybe a bit too much detail to them but I love that too because my normal complaints about Fan Fiction are lack of detail and jumping into Smut too fast. You score pretty high on those.
I would really like to read a sequel to 'Once A Slave ...' The end of first novel is quite a cliffhanger and I am so scared of hights, geee... Thank you so much for writing this, dear Katica, simply brilliant.
Hi, Katica. I've been reading this wonderfull fiction for a while now and finally posting a review. Sorry about waiting. 'Once A Slave ...' is pretty outstanding as far as fiction goes and in my humble opinion really is a publishing material. It does need to be polished up a bit and I am sure they will edit this too. I hope you will get it published for real, I will be the first to buy it. I love all the characters and the development and overall pace. Some things had maybe a bit too much detail to them but I love that too because my normal complaints about Fan Fiction are lack of detail and jumping into Smut too fast. You score pretty high on those.
I would really like to read a sequel to 'Once A Slave ...' The end of first novel is quite a cliffhanger and I am so scared of hights, geee... Thank you so much for writing this, dear Katica, simply brilliant.
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September 17, 2006 at 12:00 AM
If I brought the book, I would throw it at the wall, cry scream and then wait impationally for the next book to come out if you left it there.
But there have been much worse endings in books the that one.
Please bring out number two soon. Egh. I love this so much.
But there have been much worse endings in books the that one.
Please bring out number two soon. Egh. I love this so much.
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September 16, 2006 at 12:00 AM
omg.tears.been readin since summer.last chp for once a slave...tears.untill next story.
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September 16, 2006 at 12:00 AM
I really liked the story the end was a bit of a tease but that was really fitting considering the character. We think they ae going to do it for the longest time and it ends with them never having had sex. makes me want to read the second one too. As far as plot holes or acting out of character i thought the scene where they spoke of traxen helping the villagers with the sharks was a big one. Because everything we know aboout him says that he tries to project an image of meanness and thenhe does something kind out of theblue for no moeney where the villagers can be aware of his kindness? It just didn't jive for me.
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September 15, 2006 at 12:00 AM
Overall, I enjoyed this fic; the ending seemed somewhat abrupt but if you plan to make a series, I can see why you might want to leave your audience wanting more; I liked the "minor" characters Lark came into contact with but wish his relationship with Sactaren and his fears had been resolved? more so I would definitely enjoy seeing more from this universe you've created; thanks for the fun:-)