rate_review Reviews

j

hey girl. so far its pretty good but i think u can make it better. so dont give up just yet and put the next chapter up already!!!! good this class is soooo boring, who knew that journalism could be boring? well hurry up and make my week will ya! i want some chicken.......man am i random or what? lol see ya in class!!

Not a bad story, but I think you need to mix a bit more naration in with your dialogue.

A sound premise, but needs editing on several fronts. Try to expand your description more; at the moment, all you have is a little dialogue and some brief inner monologue. What are your characters\' surroundings like? Their thoughts on each other (as well as each others\' bodies)? Why they like each other, and why A fancies B especially?
The characters\' actions also have something of a repetitive description to them. For example:

\"He smiled at Tina as he said her name.\"
\"Jaime and Mandi [...] smiled at each other.\"
\"Jaime looked at Mandi.\"
\"Mandi looked at Jaime, then smiled,\"
\"Jaime smiled back at her, looking at her D-cup breasts.\"
\"Jessi was busy looking Tina over, \"

All anyone is doing is \'smiling\' and \'looking\'. Try other verbs: gazed, stared, glimpsed, glanced, grinned, etc. If you can\'t think of any, a thesaurus is useful, I usually find.

Hope some of this helps. My apologies if this offends you: I\'m not intending to insult, however, but to advise. No-one ever started out perfect. Keep working and you\'ll get there :)

You need more descriptions, the plain dialouge is a bit bland.

You need to tap into the characters feelings a little more, explain/expand.