rate_review Reviews

wooooo, quie historia tan interesante una mujer grande con un niño, pero que sexualmente no oo es, ana maria

Okay, I think you need to back off on the description a little. You've spent three paragraphs detailing out your main character's life and situation in way, way too much detail, and then tossing in a raunchy teaser paragraph at the end. The transition from a lot of static generalities to a suddenly very immediate, very present-sense sex scene is very jarring. This is all entirely too much information too fast. I think you need to get your main action going first, and then introduce all the circumstantial and descriptive stuff more gradually. It's okay to do it in big blocks the way you have, but try to work some more plot in here too.

This teaser lays the groundwork for what could be a very interesting story if you expand upon the ideas and characters. Good luck! I look forward to reading the first chapter when it's done.

Ooooh! That last bit made me feel all warm and squishy. Kind of a twist at the end there. a very nice sexy twist.

Yes please continue! It's good and well juicy ;)