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January 9, 2006 at 12:00 AM
Posted! ^_^ I already told you most all what I thought already in that email...but I think you deserve a comment. Let's see...I didn't mention much about the wolf, but I think it's interesting the way Martin reacts to it. Has the wolf been Alina's for long? And what exactly is it? You mentioned something about the two merging...so I'm assuming it's a magical beast of some kind? (Not the other kind of merging...please no...T_T). How long has the wolf been a part of their 'team', or is it even really a part of it? Or do I have to wait for those answers...xD
Martin says he loves her...o_O Intriguing. This is platonic love, right? Or is he straight after all...*considers* I'm off to modify, reply, and post my own! Chao!
-Moonstar
Martin says he loves her...o_O Intriguing. This is platonic love, right? Or is he straight after all...*considers* I'm off to modify, reply, and post my own! Chao!
-Moonstar
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January 6, 2006 at 12:00 AM
Oh wow, that's definitely a great improvement! A whole bunch of stuff that I didn't really quite get the first time, or had to re-read...now makes sense. This version flows more with less words and more information (that might not quite make sense...but that's the basic idea I think...^^;). For example, some things that I didn't know before, but appreciate knowing now:
Delia didn't actually leave Harold that night. (When you first sent it to me...I thought they spent 15 days and never saw each other again. This way seems a bit more understandable...^^;).
She adopted more than one kid. I thought before that she only adopted Martin...but now you show she adopted quite a few...is Martin one of those you mentioned? Or does she get him later? Or did you change that part of the story? (New info brings new questions...xD ^^)
And finally at least a bit more about what happened to Harold. Last time I didn't even know he disappeared...I thought she just left him...but know I know that he died in the fire...(or mysteriously 'never came back'...either way...no one asks many questions right? *grin* xD ^^;).
Anyway, so yeah. Lot's of improvement...tell the people to review! Review, gosh darnit! xP ^_^;
-Moonstar
Delia didn't actually leave Harold that night. (When you first sent it to me...I thought they spent 15 days and never saw each other again. This way seems a bit more understandable...^^;).
She adopted more than one kid. I thought before that she only adopted Martin...but now you show she adopted quite a few...is Martin one of those you mentioned? Or does she get him later? Or did you change that part of the story? (New info brings new questions...xD ^^)
And finally at least a bit more about what happened to Harold. Last time I didn't even know he disappeared...I thought she just left him...but know I know that he died in the fire...(or mysteriously 'never came back'...either way...no one asks many questions right? *grin* xD ^^;).
Anyway, so yeah. Lot's of improvement...tell the people to review! Review, gosh darnit! xP ^_^;
-Moonstar
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January 4, 2006 at 12:00 AM
Interesting! You do an excellent job of using just a few sentences to create very believable characters, and the world you describe seems very real to me. And I like the way your descriptions evoke the details of the mundane -- things that other writers (often including myself) never seem to notice in their scramble to make everything seem poetic and flowery. Really, my only hesitation about the story is that I don't like Martin. He's a well-written character, I just don't like him on a personal level. At all. And I'm going to like him even less if he starts knocking around Delia. But I enjoy redemption stories, so I'll give him some time to show the potential of becoming more sympathetic.
Love,
Falcon
Love,
Falcon
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January 4, 2006 at 12:00 AM
Interesting. In my time exploring the wide variety of stories on the web, I have played the part of both flamer and fangirl. Both are increadibly easy to the point of boredom. People get mad at the slightest thing, and yet a certain number of exclamation marks behind 'I love it' can bring ridiculous amounts of happiness to anyone. When reading your story, I feel compelled to be completely honest. I don't really care whether you like me or not (remember, many hate me), but I do hope you don't take anything personally.
First, I like your story. You obviously have writing talent, but you over emphasize your strengths. As someone mentioned before me, you do well with descriptions. Wonderfully. They get boring. Incredibly dull in fact, after a point. It's wonderful to know what's happening. Visualization is essential to captivate the readers attention, but you use it so much, that the attention wanes. Sometimes, in fact, you put so much out there at once, that the reader has to go over twice or more to even half-way comprehend what you threw at them in one sentence. It piles up after awhile. (Just as a note, splitting up your paragraphs more often makes them easier to make out, more fluid to read through, and less of a tackle to make it from beginning to end. There is that certain satisfaction some get from finishing a paragraph you know...especially of your writing. ^_~)
I'd say please don't take it to heart, but I think you should, just don't get discouraged by it. I told you I'd be honest; I like your story, quite a bit in fact, and I don't think anything I've said should discourage you. The only way to improve at anything to is to work, and you've obviously come a long way since kindergarten. A lot farther than most. Your writing captivates me in different areas, and small pieces throughout catch my attention.
I read all the way through simply because it's interesting, as I said in the beginning, despite all. Delia is a fascinating character. Even with one chapter you've shown her intelligence and good-heart, and it's brought out so much in only a few lines. Harold, of course, keeps me on my seat. He's wild, brilliant, insane...and terribly suspicious. A devious character to say the least; definitely not trustworthy.
I look forward to your next update, and hope this has encouraged, not discouraged you. (If it's discouraging, tell me...and I'll burn you to a crisp with flames. ^_~ Don't worry though, readers never take the side of the flamer.) Till next time!
First, I like your story. You obviously have writing talent, but you over emphasize your strengths. As someone mentioned before me, you do well with descriptions. Wonderfully. They get boring. Incredibly dull in fact, after a point. It's wonderful to know what's happening. Visualization is essential to captivate the readers attention, but you use it so much, that the attention wanes. Sometimes, in fact, you put so much out there at once, that the reader has to go over twice or more to even half-way comprehend what you threw at them in one sentence. It piles up after awhile. (Just as a note, splitting up your paragraphs more often makes them easier to make out, more fluid to read through, and less of a tackle to make it from beginning to end. There is that certain satisfaction some get from finishing a paragraph you know...especially of your writing. ^_~)
I'd say please don't take it to heart, but I think you should, just don't get discouraged by it. I told you I'd be honest; I like your story, quite a bit in fact, and I don't think anything I've said should discourage you. The only way to improve at anything to is to work, and you've obviously come a long way since kindergarten. A lot farther than most. Your writing captivates me in different areas, and small pieces throughout catch my attention.
I read all the way through simply because it's interesting, as I said in the beginning, despite all. Delia is a fascinating character. Even with one chapter you've shown her intelligence and good-heart, and it's brought out so much in only a few lines. Harold, of course, keeps me on my seat. He's wild, brilliant, insane...and terribly suspicious. A devious character to say the least; definitely not trustworthy.
I look forward to your next update, and hope this has encouraged, not discouraged you. (If it's discouraging, tell me...and I'll burn you to a crisp with flames. ^_~ Don't worry though, readers never take the side of the flamer.) Till next time!
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January 2, 2006 at 12:00 AM
Yay! It's posted! Good job. ^_^ Descriptions as lovely as ever...I like the way you mentioned that "by seven thirty-five" Harold had decided to make her his wife. It really shows how fast it all went...adds a sense of drama. Lovely! The first bit makes me want to know more about what happened...and this whole world you've created! Plus Martin of course, I really want to find out more about him...so curious!
Ok. So the stories good, up, and posted. (Just so you know though, if I hadn't talked to you and already known this would eventually have slash...I probably wouldn't have clicked on it. Even if it's not in there yet...you might want to tell everyone that it's m/m...[and f/f if you plan to write about that]). But that's just me! (I like to know what pairing I'll at least eventually be reading when I start a new fic...^^;)
Anyway! Keep it up and...I have to get ready for class! xP Farewell!
-Moonstar
Ok. So the stories good, up, and posted. (Just so you know though, if I hadn't talked to you and already known this would eventually have slash...I probably wouldn't have clicked on it. Even if it's not in there yet...you might want to tell everyone that it's m/m...[and f/f if you plan to write about that]). But that's just me! (I like to know what pairing I'll at least eventually be reading when I start a new fic...^^;)
Anyway! Keep it up and...I have to get ready for class! xP Farewell!
-Moonstar