schedule
May 3, 2007 at 12:00 AM
This needs a lot more detail, but I do enjoy the plot line.
This story leads me to believe you are a lot younger than 18, so I won't penalize you for amateurish mistakes like spelling and grammatical errors.
However, I will tell you that you really need to get in depth with these characters. First off, you need toput a lot more effort into describing their actions - make it sound dreamy, not half-assed.
Second off, please try to draw from your own experiences to fuel these characters emotions. I swear to god they're all bipolar because you don't describe them chanring their emotions or their thoughts leading up to them changing their emotions.
Third off, try to keep in character... with your own characters. Jonathan, for example, wouldn't be randomly pissy and angry just because he's a vampire. Blood thirsty, maybe, but not going around raping his friends for fun. Rape does not equal blood-lust. They're quite different.
This is your story, but please, you could do so much better. I really, really like this story. Its plot, its characters... I just don't like the way you're right it so... half-assed. I know you can do better.
This story leads me to believe you are a lot younger than 18, so I won't penalize you for amateurish mistakes like spelling and grammatical errors.
However, I will tell you that you really need to get in depth with these characters. First off, you need toput a lot more effort into describing their actions - make it sound dreamy, not half-assed.
Second off, please try to draw from your own experiences to fuel these characters emotions. I swear to god they're all bipolar because you don't describe them chanring their emotions or their thoughts leading up to them changing their emotions.
Third off, try to keep in character... with your own characters. Jonathan, for example, wouldn't be randomly pissy and angry just because he's a vampire. Blood thirsty, maybe, but not going around raping his friends for fun. Rape does not equal blood-lust. They're quite different.
This is your story, but please, you could do so much better. I really, really like this story. Its plot, its characters... I just don't like the way you're right it so... half-assed. I know you can do better.
schedule
July 10, 2005 at 12:00 AM
Oh my god. It kicked so much fucking ass!
schedule
July 10, 2005 at 12:00 AM
Wonderful! I loved every bit of it!