schedule
November 28, 2005 at 12:00 AM
so far this is really good. i got a little bored with the sex in the middle. and there are a few times where your details get switched around. like she's wearing a skirt then pants then skirt again. like at the heisleys lunch. and there are a couple other times but i didn't write them down so now i can't remember. and the whole cop scene that was a little hard for me to believe. i mean what did she do to make them let them go? and why was he pulling them over. *shrugs* i may have to go and re read that part but i think it could use so revision. on the whole you have a great story with believeable characters. yeah it is deffint fantasy but it's good. i would like to see some of your chacracter become a little more indpeth. keep up the story writing. i want to know how this ends up.
schedule
November 26, 2005 at 12:00 AM
update?
schedule
November 14, 2005 at 12:00 AM
Wow...that was...that was a really good chapter!
More insight into what has made Savannah the way she is. And Richard...oh I really hate him now and I hope something really, really bad happens to him -like Jason walking through the door and smashing his face in... ^_^
Terribly cliffy, by the way, and I think it was made worse by your A/N saying that you won\'t be able to update for awhile! Ah, well, I\'ll keep an eye out for you...I can\'t wait to see how this ends!
More insight into what has made Savannah the way she is. And Richard...oh I really hate him now and I hope something really, really bad happens to him -like Jason walking through the door and smashing his face in... ^_^
Terribly cliffy, by the way, and I think it was made worse by your A/N saying that you won\'t be able to update for awhile! Ah, well, I\'ll keep an eye out for you...I can\'t wait to see how this ends!
schedule
November 9, 2005 at 12:00 AM
Great story. i love how jason is protective of savannah. the suspense to me , of whether it is jason coming through the door or the pirate guy (forget name) thanks for a good read. update soon.
schedule
November 6, 2005 at 12:00 AM
OMG! I hate that guy!!! Poor Savannah!! I hope Jason or Mike or even Jack comes to her rescue.
~LauReN
~LauReN
schedule
November 5, 2005 at 12:00 AM
NONONONONONONO!!!!!! You have to update please update!!!!!! please please please!!!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE!!!!!!! It\'s so good!!!!!!
schedule
November 1, 2005 at 12:00 AM
ooh girl! that better be jason or mike or even Mrs. H and fuck that son of a bitch up!
schedule
October 31, 2005 at 12:00 AM
Darling, seriously, the plot is kind of cool but the characterization needs some serious working. I hope you take this as the concrit it is, and think about where you want to go. if it\'s all for the fun of it, why bother editing it (well, I should say if not to show the best work you can within your abilities, why publish it at all, but that\'d be another discussion), and therefore my time typing this was wasted, but if you want to grow it might be good to consider a few points.
You have a virgin-with-a-crush not freak out - and indeed stick with- an abusive partner whom she just learned had drugged her and molested her. And she lets the guy take her to an isolated cabin in the woods... excuse me? She could be taken care for by any of her friends at the campus, or go to a hospital. It was a cold, not pneumonia. Why would any girl in her sane mind let a guy who unashamedly took advantage of her on her weak state (she did not yet know she had drugged her) to anisolated site? That\'s something that\'d take a lot of trust, a trust that his recent behavior would shatter no matter how close friends they\'d been before. even because it makes more sense to stay close to civilisation - and a hospital- should she (or he!) really worried about her health.
You had a recently deflowered girl (A young, relatively naive one to boot!) had sex continually even though she was sore; and had anal sex without any sort of a)lubrificant, b) discomfort. Big no-nos. That counts for most of the following anal sex sessions, maybe even all of them. the back hole was not specifically made for sex, and it demmands some easying it, because the Annus has no lubrification. Plus, not once your heroin freaked out about the lack of condoms even though she\'s having intercourse with a guy who she knows went through a lot of women!
Virgins hardly ever orgasm on the first vaginal coitous, unless you have a very careful and experienced partner who takes the time and trouble to let her at ease and that might take a lot of time. The sitting up position would be hellish straightaway, too.
One DOES NOT orgasm through rape. Your brain shuts the pleasure receptors that *might* have been coming from the friction off. Guys who think they do are usually those trying to explain why they raped the girl in the first place.
No one in their right mind would make up with the boyfriend- excuse me, fuck-budy-, because the boyfriend woke you up just a nice masturbation session, not after being raped and spanked not many hours before because said boyfriend let his partner get too excited in the orgy (and break the trust and safety rules of BDSM). Savvy had juts thrown him off the bedroom, should any girl in that position really open her legs for him just because? And no, having a crush on him does not excuse it either.
The character has been raped and/or molested repeatedly and she shows no sings of trauma or emotional distress. She gets over anyone who happens to find her cute forcing themselves upon her pretty damn well. Unless she\'s depressed, sociopathic or with some other mental condition, that\'s just impossible. I can take the near-sociopathic behavior of Jason on childhood trauma grounds, but Savvy is too damned forgiving. She\'s almost a saint, if you discount the sex-with-anyone and casual-lust-versus-monogamic-emotional-commitment. I\'m not here defending that the heroin be monogamous or virtuous, I\'m just pointing out the many plot holes.
Think about it. You can do a lot better if you take the time to think the plot through. It seems to me that you rushed along to get to the sex scenes. Don\'t get me wrong, PWPs are great, but characterization is always necessary. It enriches the work and your writing skills will thank you for the excercise.
Yours truly,
Elentari
You have a virgin-with-a-crush not freak out - and indeed stick with- an abusive partner whom she just learned had drugged her and molested her. And she lets the guy take her to an isolated cabin in the woods... excuse me? She could be taken care for by any of her friends at the campus, or go to a hospital. It was a cold, not pneumonia. Why would any girl in her sane mind let a guy who unashamedly took advantage of her on her weak state (she did not yet know she had drugged her) to anisolated site? That\'s something that\'d take a lot of trust, a trust that his recent behavior would shatter no matter how close friends they\'d been before. even because it makes more sense to stay close to civilisation - and a hospital- should she (or he!) really worried about her health.
You had a recently deflowered girl (A young, relatively naive one to boot!) had sex continually even though she was sore; and had anal sex without any sort of a)lubrificant, b) discomfort. Big no-nos. That counts for most of the following anal sex sessions, maybe even all of them. the back hole was not specifically made for sex, and it demmands some easying it, because the Annus has no lubrification. Plus, not once your heroin freaked out about the lack of condoms even though she\'s having intercourse with a guy who she knows went through a lot of women!
Virgins hardly ever orgasm on the first vaginal coitous, unless you have a very careful and experienced partner who takes the time and trouble to let her at ease and that might take a lot of time. The sitting up position would be hellish straightaway, too.
One DOES NOT orgasm through rape. Your brain shuts the pleasure receptors that *might* have been coming from the friction off. Guys who think they do are usually those trying to explain why they raped the girl in the first place.
No one in their right mind would make up with the boyfriend- excuse me, fuck-budy-, because the boyfriend woke you up just a nice masturbation session, not after being raped and spanked not many hours before because said boyfriend let his partner get too excited in the orgy (and break the trust and safety rules of BDSM). Savvy had juts thrown him off the bedroom, should any girl in that position really open her legs for him just because? And no, having a crush on him does not excuse it either.
The character has been raped and/or molested repeatedly and she shows no sings of trauma or emotional distress. She gets over anyone who happens to find her cute forcing themselves upon her pretty damn well. Unless she\'s depressed, sociopathic or with some other mental condition, that\'s just impossible. I can take the near-sociopathic behavior of Jason on childhood trauma grounds, but Savvy is too damned forgiving. She\'s almost a saint, if you discount the sex-with-anyone and casual-lust-versus-monogamic-emotional-commitment. I\'m not here defending that the heroin be monogamous or virtuous, I\'m just pointing out the many plot holes.
Think about it. You can do a lot better if you take the time to think the plot through. It seems to me that you rushed along to get to the sex scenes. Don\'t get me wrong, PWPs are great, but characterization is always necessary. It enriches the work and your writing skills will thank you for the excercise.
Yours truly,
Elentari
schedule
October 31, 2005 at 12:00 AM
OMG Richard should DIE!! DIE DIE DIE!! *takes out dagger*
schedule
October 31, 2005 at 12:00 AM
great update....that had better be jason....ohhhh it better. I really hope that he kills Rich...