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March 10, 2004 at 12:00 AM
I can\'t believe I missed an update. Sorry. Anyway, superb way to conclude this story. I really was captivated by the honest love story and plot. You are an awrsome writer!
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March 2, 2004 at 12:00 AM
Wonderful! Fantastic! I can\'t get over the greatness of the story. I love this coupling and find the plot very sensual and damn sexy to read about.
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March 1, 2004 at 12:00 AM
Outstanding! The plot and the romance between these two women is wonderful. I really hope for a happy ending though I suspect it wont. Still, hot as hell girl/girl action.
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February 27, 2004 at 12:00 AM
hope you keep writing.
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February 26, 2004 at 12:00 AM
On the contrary BigGator5 i appreciate your feedback as much as i enjoy everyone elses.
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February 25, 2004 at 12:00 AM
can\'t wait for more,please update as soon as possible
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February 25, 2004 at 12:00 AM
You know, as long as other people likes your story, you can ignor me completely. ;)
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February 24, 2004 at 12:00 AM
I really design this challenge for fandoms, but I don\'t really mind you doing a OC character as long as you follow the requirments. Before I can consider this aswerswer to the challenge, you need to do a few things:
1) You got to decribe her just like you see her in thnnernner and that means that she has a green tail.
2) She has to take something of power or something of importance.
3) The Mermaid has already been name: Jade*! You came close, but you were a little late.
As for the story itself, it\'s kind of hard to follow. One minute, your character walking on a sidewalk and is then on a beach. In the next sentance, it s, ts, that she is on a cliff an a d a dress. Why is she there? The main focus is the mermaid, but you spend a lot of time getting to her and then just as quickly, she is gone. I can tell you can do better, but little effort was put into this story. Add some more meat to this story and I\'ll beta read if you want. The rating for the story is more like \'R\' than \'NC-17\', unless your going to write a chapter two.
I\'m sorry if I sound like I\'m slamming you, but I didn\'t mean too sound like that. I jusel tel that you can do better then what you have done here.
*Check out the challenge\fficffical web-page \"http://biggator5.diary-x.com/journal.cgi?entry=fanfiction\" and check out the story \"Drowned\".
1) You got to decribe her just like you see her in thnnernner and that means that she has a green tail.
2) She has to take something of power or something of importance.
3) The Mermaid has already been name: Jade*! You came close, but you were a little late.
As for the story itself, it\'s kind of hard to follow. One minute, your character walking on a sidewalk and is then on a beach. In the next sentance, it s, ts, that she is on a cliff an a d a dress. Why is she there? The main focus is the mermaid, but you spend a lot of time getting to her and then just as quickly, she is gone. I can tell you can do better, but little effort was put into this story. Add some more meat to this story and I\'ll beta read if you want. The rating for the story is more like \'R\' than \'NC-17\', unless your going to write a chapter two.
I\'m sorry if I sound like I\'m slamming you, but I didn\'t mean too sound like that. I jusel tel that you can do better then what you have done here.
*Check out the challenge\fficffical web-page \"http://biggator5.diary-x.com/journal.cgi?entry=fanfiction\" and check out the story \"Drowned\".
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February 24, 2004 at 12:00 AM
This fic is awesome! Update soon. The chemistry between the mermaid and the girl is briliant. Keep it up!
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February 24, 2004 at 12:00 AM
I want to answer your post. Again, sorry if I sound mean:
*I try not to make it smut, like the majority of the stories that are in your competition. And if she were to steal something from her then it wouldnt be something as simple as a medallion, rather something more complex such as her soul. But that shall be revealed later in the story. Technically this story should be R, but most of mine have been NC17, i honestly dont see any difference between the two. When you say meat you mean sex obviously, of which i have already explained to my readers that there wont be sex straight away.*
No, when I say \"meat\" I ment you should expand on your story. You show us a series of images with no substance, like reading a picture book with almost no description. Like where, when, and why. Where is this sidewalk(ie: You can simply say that the sidewalk ends at the beach or she walks off the silk tlk that follows the beach and onto the beach.), when is she walking down this sidewalk(ie: While the sun is setting, or after breaking up with her boyfriend, or after work.), and why is she doing all this(ie: You don\'t really need to explain why right away, but you need to at lest hint at a reason. Give us at lest, her state of mind. She seems cheerfull and then sad, can we have one or the other?).
*i like to build it up rather than just a one night stand thing.*
I can understand the build-up. In fact, I like to see multi-chapters answers to my challenge. Like I told someone about legnth, as long as you meet challenge requirements, it could be 26 sentences or 50 chapters. I had not reallize that this was going to have more chapters. Overall, I don\'t think I can include it as an answer, because of chapter two. You dive too much into Mermaid. If I did include it, some people will have to follow that and I don\'t know if people would want to think of her at 150 150. So, have fun. You are now unbound to any of the challenge requirements.
*i have reread my story and have difficulty trying to understand where you are coming from. The main character is walking along a walkpath that leads to a beach, she is on a dress contemplating her life and is dressed in a dress as she had just finished work.*
This is what I ment, I had no idea untill I read this. You can clear a lot of issues if you only had explain this earilyer, in the story. The reason I say this is because most people don\'t nomally wear \'dresses\' to the beach.
*I try not to make it smut, like the majority of the stories that are in your competition. And if she were to steal something from her then it wouldnt be something as simple as a medallion, rather something more complex such as her soul. But that shall be revealed later in the story. Technically this story should be R, but most of mine have been NC17, i honestly dont see any difference between the two. When you say meat you mean sex obviously, of which i have already explained to my readers that there wont be sex straight away.*
No, when I say \"meat\" I ment you should expand on your story. You show us a series of images with no substance, like reading a picture book with almost no description. Like where, when, and why. Where is this sidewalk(ie: You can simply say that the sidewalk ends at the beach or she walks off the silk tlk that follows the beach and onto the beach.), when is she walking down this sidewalk(ie: While the sun is setting, or after breaking up with her boyfriend, or after work.), and why is she doing all this(ie: You don\'t really need to explain why right away, but you need to at lest hint at a reason. Give us at lest, her state of mind. She seems cheerfull and then sad, can we have one or the other?).
*i like to build it up rather than just a one night stand thing.*
I can understand the build-up. In fact, I like to see multi-chapters answers to my challenge. Like I told someone about legnth, as long as you meet challenge requirements, it could be 26 sentences or 50 chapters. I had not reallize that this was going to have more chapters. Overall, I don\'t think I can include it as an answer, because of chapter two. You dive too much into Mermaid. If I did include it, some people will have to follow that and I don\'t know if people would want to think of her at 150 150. So, have fun. You are now unbound to any of the challenge requirements.
*i have reread my story and have difficulty trying to understand where you are coming from. The main character is walking along a walkpath that leads to a beach, she is on a dress contemplating her life and is dressed in a dress as she had just finished work.*
This is what I ment, I had no idea untill I read this. You can clear a lot of issues if you only had explain this earilyer, in the story. The reason I say this is because most people don\'t nomally wear \'dresses\' to the beach.